Scott Baio for Vice President!

It was day one of the Republican National Convention  and Trump’s people rolled out the star power.  I was hoping Clint Eastwood might give us the second act of his conversation with an empty chair.  Or if not Eastwood perhaps some other Hollywood A-lister such as Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis, both of whom are said to be big Trump supporters.  Instead we got Scott Baio who is best known as the lovable little scamp Chachi Arcola from the 70’s sitcom Happy Days.  Personally I would have preferred the Home Alone kid doing his impression of Edvard Munch’s The Scream or Haliy Joel Osment tearfully whispering, “I see dead people.”

But back to Scott, I hadn’t seen him since he was the orphan kid on The Love Boat, or was that the orphan kid on Fantasy Island?  No wait, I think it was when he was orphan kid on Here’s Boomer.  Well whatever it was I hoped puberty had been kind to him.  When Scott took the stage my first reaction was; Dang dress that kid in baggies, a T-shirt, hand him a skateboard and he’ll fit right in with all the other 14 year-olds on Venice Beach.   Scott says lets, “Make America America again.”  He’s just as cute and as funny as ever!

But hold on a second.  Isn’t Scott the same age as Mike Pence?   A quick check on wikipedia revealed that I was wrong.  Mike Pence’s D.O.B. is June 7, 1959.  Scott’s birthday is September 22 1960.  Pence is older than Scott by one year, three months and fifteen days.  Okay, I’ll admit it.  I have Chinese-takeout in my refrigerator that’s older than one year, three months and fifteen days.  Be that as it may, Pence would have no problem playing the part of Scott’s grandfather on the Happy Days revival.  Either Scott has a portrait hidden in his attic that ages for him or Mike Pence has been prematurely aged by his misogyny and homophobia.

If Trump wants to win he should drop Pence like a bad habit and tap Scott as his running-mate?  You might say that the gray-haired Pence has more gravitas but that dignity seemed to evaporate during the Trump Pence 60 minutes interview.  Seated side by side on throne like, bobble encrusted, golden chairs that must have been pilfered from a Columbian drug lord or the palace of a third world dictator, Trump often found it necessary to answer for, and to talk over Pence, not trusting his vice-presidential running-mate to speak for himself.  Frankly I was embarrassed for Pence having to endure the lack of respect on Trump’s part.  It would have gone over better had Scott been seated next to Trump. 

Unlike Leonardo DiCaprio the former tween heartthrob Scott Baio never made the transition to leading man.  For that reason alone I feel Scott would be better suited to the supporting role of appearing below Trump on the ticket.  I think we can all agree that Scott looks good on camera.  He sticks to the script and delivers his lines well.  Okay so Bugsy Malone might not be a cinematic classic along the lines of The Godfather or Goodfellas but it wasn’t Bedtime for Bonzo or Cattle Queen of Montana.  Donald Trump, I say this to you, drop Mike Pence lickety-split and give Scott a chance!

Now a message for Hillary Clinton.  Dear Hillary, Donald Trump has thrown down the gauntlet.  He has Scott Baio in his corner.  You must respond in kind.  Might I suggest that you renew your association with Billy Gilman who sang so beautifully for you and Bill at your White House Christmas party.  Now that Billy is “out” (like I didn’t see that coming!) his presence at your convention will solidify your support from the LGBT community.  In the unlikely event that Billy proves to be unavailable there’s always Neil Patrick Harris.  Who didn’t love Doogie Howser?   You can’t afford to lose this election do to the lack of a suitable former child star.